It has been a very long time since I wrote a more personal entry online. After rediscovering a post of mine on Medium, I felt like I should write some another life update milepost for my future self. Since writing In Pursuit of Happiness, I have hit some really low points. I have not been all sunshine, rainbows, and worked-on-the-first-try code. I sincerely felt that I no longer belonged, that there was no place for me anywhere. I’m on my sixth week of walking uphill back into the land of Happiness, for which I am definitely grateful. This battle is ever-changing and always finding new ways to challenge me.
I have gone through fits and spurts of confusion and chaos, trying to find out what I really like and who I really am. To this end, I tend to go on mass-deletion sprees of online content I have curated, because I feel that it no longer shows who I am. The only place I haven’t deleted in years is Twitter (the last time I deleted that was in 2013), but it is far more accurate a picture of the evolution of Sina. One of the more telling places in the past has been Tumblr, but I have deleted it twice since my last “happiness update.” (I do have one again, which I started today — it is what led me to start this rambling stream-of-conscious writing. It can be found at: sillysina.tumblr.com).
It is strange to feel at peace without having the little voice in the back of my mind nagging at me, saying, “when is the bad stuff gonna happen?” It is also not as uncomfortable to rebuild, as I had been imagining it would be. The whole “coming out” and the shenanigans that ensued has caused me to lose a lot of amazing people that I connected with. I have lost friends and family, but more importantly, I have found my family of people that accept me as I am. I thought I would have stronger feelings of regret, but after putting many hours and days of thought into it, I realize that I am far happier despite the shuffling of the who and what in my life.
Time allowing, I will rebuild connections with some people of my past. I am, however, focusing on forging new relationships and keeping existing ones in good health. It sounds easy, after reading these words, but shedding negative people and habits from my life has been terribly painful at points, but has opened some very important and personal questions in my mind.
Over the course of starting hormones, I have realized that my tolerance for awful people has plummeted. Rather, I have started to feel less dissonance between myself and my physical vessel, which has brought me back to a level of self-assuredness that helps do away with some of my more overly-anxious tendencies. I have recovered some of my previous ways of (positive) thinking and my life feels like it is coming together again. The kitten I am now is a strange conglomeration of what I liked in the past and how I intend on being in the future.
The biggest thing I have done this year is let go of the past, learn from mistakes, and move forward as best I can. Being on hormones has done wonders for the inconsistency of my emotions and of my acceptance of myself. One of the many large roadblocks in my life feels not so monumentally awful.
Some of the changes I have made this year include:
- stripping and reorganizing The League of Magnificent Scoundrels to no longer be the main focal point of my life and livelihood,
- getting back into the groove of programming, writing, and gaming, which leads to
- formalizing WizardSpire Games and sharing with the world the creations we make,
- making do with what I have and working toward a bigger goal,
- speaking my piece when I feel it necessary,
- finally starting hormone replacement therapy,
- giving no fucks what people think of me,
- listening to myself,
- and letting go of things I thought I needed.
Reading some of my old writing, I reconnected with a fragment of my hidden core, and realized that I had lost my path to ataraxia (freedom from stress and worry). I had spent the last few years lamenting that I am a dusty ball of yarn that had been bleached by prolonged exposure to the sun. The more I let myself acknowledge me, the more I hid from the world, out of fear of what others thought, of how I would be perceived. The last few years have been rather uncharacteristic of me, because I dislike hiding.
I have increasingly been more vocal on matters important to me, and it has been positively scary. I feel alive and happy again, and am unafraid to speak my mind, even when I full well know the shit storms it may kick up. Sometimes those storms need to be kicked up, though. Constructive conflict is a good and healthy thing.
Speaking of storms, why did I ever stop writing? I have used a large array of excuses to justify this, even though not writing makes me profoundly unhappy. The consistency of my time programming has also been impacted negatively over the course of the past few years, which also bugs me. I have let negativity block the progress on one of my most favorite projects (Scribbington) and willfully atrophied my creative muscles.
Since taking up the habit of diary writing, I have felt less constipated in the land of figuring out how to put words onto paper (and into documents), as this post might reflect.
The last six weeks feel like they have been some of the consistently happiest weeks in my adult life. I have started to feel like myself, which has positively reflected in how others perceive this silly catgirl-loving Sina. It seems my reflection is working again.
This post is a hot mess but I knew that if I edited, it would never see the light of day.
Thank you for reading my words. ♥